Wednesday, October 22, 2003

'Scuse me, libarian!

Its not misspelled. Its just like I heard it. While working in the rough sort I heard in the most urgent of Southern whiney voices:

"Come stand by Mama"
"I want this"
"Precious, I said come here"
"You guys! Bring that over to Mama"
"Just ask the libarian...."
"They have videos too! *squeal of delight*

OH MY G-D! Anna Nicole is in the library! I turned my head oh so slightly to confirm the B list celebrity sighting, and there she was. Now let me paint a picture for you.

A never been bleached, and very worn wife beater (sorry, Im not too PC) and matching dingy white hotpants, that had been literally pulled over a hulking mass of womanhood. Top this off with white high heels, and greasy hair pulled up into a pony tail, and red lipstick that looked like a blindfolded Courtney Love had applied. Hmm. Maybe this was Anna Nicole after all.

She and her 5 kids, and multiple sidekicks stood by the video cart, pawing through the AV collection to-be-shelved, like brides at the Marshall Fields Wedding Dress sale. All the while spewing quips, in the most grating southern whine. Mind you, I am only an hour and a half west of West Virginia, and about an hour and half north of Kentucky, so this isn't so out of the ordinary.

"Sweety, come to Momma, lets pick a video out" I wanted her to add "And then lets get some pizza", but sadly, she didn't. It was car wreck curiosity on my part by now. I couldn't stop staring at this lady. I use that term loosely. I was hoping she didn't notice me. Luckily, I was saved when my dear vegetarian co-worker caught my attention and I went into the "staff only" room.

Phew. I survived. I couldn't go back out onto the floor though, in fear of asking for her autograph.

Among my many new goals now, faux celebrity sitings. I figure this will spice up the day, and it will make for some fun entries.

Now, on a side note, not nearly as amusing but to better your idea of the neighborhood I work in, I will convey this story. Last night we kicked an entire family out of the library. Around 7:30 PM, a Mom and her 4 kids came in. They wanted to check out videos:

Daughter: *non-library voice, I think she thought she was at a NY Yankees game) OOOH! I am checkin' me out a movie. HEY! Are these divided up into things like "Horror" and "scarey movies"?

ME: Um, no. They are dump shelved. All the movies are put on the shelves next to one another by title...."Maid in Manhatten" will be right next to "Mansfield Park".

Daughter "Oh, So is R for horror?"

ME: Uh, no. (Does horror even start with R?)

Daughter: OOOH! Look at this! This movie will scare the f*** out o me!

Brother #1 Shut up B****! No one needs to know that! Here, check this one out!

Daughter: No you Mother F*****, that will make me cry. I don't want to spend the whole F****** night cryin' my mother f*****' eyes out!

OK, tone set. Finally after about 6 minutes of this, good guy-outdoors type-handsome customer service-guy says "Hey, lets use library voices, this is getting too loud"

Daughter: OK, Thank You. Good Bye!

More profanity, other brothers join in. Now its security's turn.

Big, strong, bald security: "Hey, we asked you once, please be quiet, there is no need for that here".

Daughter: OK, we heard that already. Thank You, Goodbye! (in a super loud voice)

Now the Manager of the library walks over, and asks whats going on. The mother now jumps in to say that they aren't doing anything wrong, and that they have been told and she says "OK??? Thank you. GOODBYE!!" Then starts yelling at the big, strong, bald security man. He asked her to leave, and to gather her children, and leave. After about 3 minutes of her telling him she wasn't going anywhere, he escorted her to check out, they got their movies and left.

CRAZY!! I am much too delicate to deal with this.

At least I got to see Anna Nicole. sort of.

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