Friday, February 06, 2004

Memories..Light the corners of my mind



My 10 year high school reunion. Lets give a little background for your reading enjoyment.

I was in the top 15 of my class, Senior Class President, President of Future Teachers/Future Nurses of America, 1st seat Clarinet, and flat out NERDY. I was popular, I was on the track team. I was the "geek chic" friend of all the trendy people. I was voted best dressed, and most creative, as well as having the "cutest dimples".

I had "fag" scratched in, painted on, and taped to my locker so many times, that all I had to do was stick my head in the high school office and say "It happened again" and Mrs. K would send the maintainance crew to repair my locker. I was beaten up. Pushed down the stairs, and kicked while laying fetal by two bullies.

I spent alot of time in the library. In my senior profile my "mostly likely to be found..." was in a library. One of my nicknames was Library Boy.

Now I'm showing up 10 years later a gay librarian. Kind of makes me feel like my classmates knew something I didn't. I'm nervous as well because I went to school in Western New Yorks country side. The reunion is at a hotel, but I'm still half scared, despite my good fortune and experiences out of high school. I still have a gut feeling that I could be beat up by someone that used to kick me around in high school.

I am the only person in my class that went to Oxford University. I'm the only person in my class that has lived in Europe. I'm the only person in my graduating class of 72 that is out loud and proud. I've been talking to one of my dearest friends from highschool while planning this event. Its scheduled for July.

I've really changed. I've gained 70lbs of muscle. I've got a nice little body now. I've embraced Judaism, which I always kept quiet about in school, I have a partner of 6 years and talk about it openly. I'll have my MLIS in one year. Have I changed too much to go back?

On the other hand, I can't help but feel that I have to give my former classmates the benefit of the doubt. I am assuming they are going to judge me. Which just means I've judged them. My friend that I've been planning this with is a super gal, always has been...but she is one of my comfort zone people. I know that she doesn't know about the Gay lifestyle, but she just doesn't care. Like my Grandmother (G-d rest her soul) always said "Good people are good people", and she is really of that mindset.

So, should I go back and see? Or should I just plan this event, and give my best wishes for success? I'm so torn, and I am NOT an indecisive person.

MORAL OF THIS BLOG: Memories may be beautiful and yet, what is too painful to remember, we simply choose to forget. Thanks Babs.

No comments: