Sunday, August 14, 2005

Well Dressed Brows

This morning I was putting the finishing touches on my eyebrows, when I realized: I've never shared advice with my gentle readers about this subject! And so you have it: The Well Dressed Brow. This post, sadly, is addressed more toward the male reader, than the female. I trust my female readers regularly moisturize, pluck, and groom their brows.

Men: If the eyes are the window of the soul, then your eyebrows are the awnings. And like all windows and awnings, it is possible to have gorgeous windows, and really tacky awnings. Now, you have no excuse, you have been warned.

When you look in the mirror, do you see this?:

If you do, your first step is saying out loud "I do not want to look like Frida Kahlo". If you do, well, then, be prepared to sleep with this:

On the off chance you want that on top of you, I can not help you.

Thick brows do not mean you are manly. They mean you are sloppy, and perhaps do not own other implements of hygiene (read toothbrush, nail clippers, etc.) It is simple to groom eyebrows, let the notion of "plucking is for girls" rest.

As with a good shave, your brows should be relaxed with a warm cloth for several minutes, or you should do it right out of the shower. You should own a good pair of tweezers as well. Tweezing can hurt: but what is more painful? 5 minutes of plucking or photographs that immortalize you as Bert's twin brother?

This is assuming you don't suffer from Bushy Brow as well (see top photograph). This can be remedied the next time you are at the barber shop, or the stylist. Ask them to trim you down to size. They may even offer a service to take care of those brows right there. In Chicago, lots of the hot middle eastern men (and those in the know) have threading done. Very nice results too.

I recommend a starter wax or a proper threading to make the foundation easy for you to maintain.

After the foundation is put into place, plucking should take about 10 minutes of your week, once a week. This is to keep the area between the brows clear, and , like me, to keep the arch looking natural. I recommend the Revlon Deluxe Tweezer, Slant Tip. It's my personal favorite.

DO NOT SHAVE YOUR EYEBROWS. Especially between the brow. It will eventually become stubble as thick as your 5 o'clock shadow. That is just awful.

So please remember, taming the savage brow is your responsibility. If you think grooming your eyebrows is feminine, you've just got issues. Scenario:

Potential girlfriend/wife/lover: You should really think about grooming your brows.

Bushy McBrowenstein: I'm not into grooming my brows.

What potential hears: "shut up bitch, i'll take care of myself, and grooming my brows isn't a part of that"

What man should say: "yes, I've been nervous and really don't know anything about having my brows done...maybe you could book me an appointment with someone good?"

What potential hears: "yes, I've....been waiting for you to help me get these caterpillars of my face." You might even get laid.

And last, if you need a reminder: clip this handy picture out and carry it with you to remind you this is what people see when they look at you.

Moral of this blog: If you don't trim the hair on your face, what else are you neglecting?

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