Sunday, January 30, 2005

Ascots are HOT

moral of this blog: So am I.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Babes in Goyland

A Jew walks into a church....

I know you've all be on shpilkes (pins & needles) waiting for me to tell you the rest of my story.

I guess this was the first time I ever felt like I knew how Ethyl Rosenberg felt. I was obviously not "one of them". As we entered the very croweded Saturday mass, each member of my boyfriends family genuflected and made the sign of the cross before we entered our pew. The first red flag to the devout catholics that they were being infiltrated.

Even to the most untrained eye, I failed the second test of calisthenics which was composed of standing sitting standing sitting, and the occasional flip down of the kneeler. I looked a bit confused, and I'm sure the people around me noticed.

I was surprised to see a basket passed around and people were putting money in it. A bit different than the yearly due I pay (exchanging money on shabbos (sabbath) is a no-no), and is a bit different than the pushkeh (a poor box, kept in the kitchen, you put change in it for the less fortunate and donate it after a while) that I'm used to. But I digress

Then I was outed. Communion happened, and I sat in the pew with my legs to one side to let all the shiksahs and shkootzim (non-Jewish women & men) passed me by casting glances in my direction, like some szhlob (moron) who forgot his manners.

Then after "passing the peace", which consisted of shaking hands of thousands of random people, everything was done, spare the christening.

This was a 15 minute procedure that subjected the beautiful baby swaddled in vintage whites to having water poured on her head, and oil being rubbed on her forhead by the priest, her parents, and her G-d parents. Some prayers, a candle was lit, and voila...a baby promised into a good catholic up bringing.

This was followed by a dinner party for 40 at my boyfriends brothers house. Lots of good food and wine, but oddly I only had one glass.

At 2 a.m. I was awakened by my very ill boyfriend. The stomach flu had taken him by storm. I played nurse maid, and we left the hotel and headed to the airport. At 2:45 pm, at 32,000 feet, the stomach flu had become a part of my world. We took turns at the next layover watching luggage while we made trips back and forth to the mens room. When we landed, we still had a 3 hour drive home ahead of us (we flew out of another city to save money on the flight). I was sick for 2 more days, surviving only on saltines, matzo balls and chicken broth. I have never been so oysgeshpilt (worn out) in my entire life.

Moral of this blog: Thats the whole megillah (long story).

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Rose Kennedy had a black dress

I'm sure she actually had quite a few. I write about this because today, the well dressed librarian is wearing black. Today is the inauguration, and while in the past my political leanings have gained me somewhat of a enemy following, I dare to mention those affiliations again today.

I am wearing a black button down tuxedo shirt with all the fine accoutrements one would expect on a well dressed librarian, on his day off. Usually, I don't explain my picture choice. I think this one is pretty self explanatory (though I am troubled by the carelessly discarded paper cup by her buttock). But of course, it has a back story to go with it.

Its hard for me to say something as simple as "yes", so I pepper my speech with lines that imply agreement. My favorite one of these lines requires a question with a yes answer, so I can quip "Does Rose Kennedy own a black dress?" Hence, this all ties in quite nicely together. Of course, this has been slightly altered since her passing, requiring me to ask "DID, rather than DOES", but semantics semantics. Besides, half the people I say it to have no idea who Rose Kennedy was, or why she would have needed a black dress.

Often, people as me "do you sit and think of the things your going to say?" Now think about that. Imagine me with a little leather notebook(sorry PETA)thinking of things to say, and quickly jotting notes down with my deco waterman. Making a quick reference before I go out so I have plenty of hilarious things to say in response to things that MIGHT be said. Silly isn't it?

The reality is, I can't help myself. Perhaps its something I have not self diagnosed properly yet (as I did in the cases of having typhoid, scarlet fever, and Ebola). Two things are glaringly evident, one, as my Grandmother would say, "I'm a little off"; and two I'm tremendously well dressed. The combination lends itself to me being a smart ass. I'm pretty, so I can get away with it.

That is why today, I choose to wear black. It is slightly daring, and makes a statement. Perhaps some of my darling readers will join me in this fashion choice du jour. It will just be a bonus if you are hot, that you will look even sexier while making the statement.

Moral of this blog: Sexy librarians can get away with pretty much anything.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Spoof With Yiddish Faces Suit

January 15, 2005

See Dick and Jane shvitz. Shvitz, Dick and Jane, shvitz.

Pearson Education, the publishing company that owns the
copyright to the Dick and Jane reading primers, has filed a
lawsuit against a division of Time Warner in Federal
District Court in Los Angeles claiming that the book
"Yiddish With Dick and Jane" violates Pearson's copyrights
and trademarks for the familiar characters.

The brisk-selling book examines adultery, drug use and
other tsuris that afflict Dick and Jane as adults. When it
was published in September by Little, Brown & Company, part
of the Time Warner Book Group, Pearson was farmisht and did
not take any action. After an Internet video promotion of
the book began attracting hundreds of thousands of viewers
and the book's sales topped 100,000, however, Pearson
decided that the fun was over.

The book, by Ellis Weiner and Barbara Davilman, with
illustrations by Gabi Payn, states on the front and back
covers, spine and copyright page that it is a parody. But
the lawsuit says the book "is not a parody, but is an
unprotected imitation" because it does not use the
copyrighted characters "for the purpose of social

Pearson says in its lawsuit that it has licensed the
characters before, as in the 1977 film "Fun With Dick and
Jane," with Jane Fonda and George Segal. A remake, with Jim
Carrey and Téa Leoni, is set to be released this summer.

The suit also names as a plaintiff Elizabeth Dubelman, who
was hired by Little, Brown to create the promotional video.
It has been shown on the publisher's Web site and her own,

In a statement, Little, Brown said the book was "entitled
to the full protection of the First Amendment and related
laws permitting expression of social commentary."

"This suit aims at the heart of creative expression," the
company said, "a position no publisher should take."

George H. Pike, director of the Barco Law Library and an
assistant professor of law at the University of Pittsburgh,
said that if the lawsuit went to trial, the outcome might
turn on whether the book is judged to be commenting on the
original Dick and Jane characters and books, in which case
it would be considered parody. If the characters were
simply being used to make a funny book, he said, that would
not be fair use.

Mr. Weiner and Ms. Davilman said in an interview that they
did not understand why Pearson sued. Before publication,
they said, Pearson asked for, and received, a prominent
disclaimer on the book saying it "has not been prepared,
approved or authorized by the creators or producers of the
'Dick and Jane' reading primers for children."

Ms. Davilman said she believed that the lawsuit was "a good
old shakedown for money."

A spokeswoman for Pearson said the company would not
comment on the lawsuit. Earlier this month, when Pearson
filed the suit, its lawyer, Stephen W. Feingold, wrote to
the plaintiffs offering to discuss a settlement and saying
that it had initially "decided not to sue over a title it
thought would not be commercially successful."

That decision apparently changed, Mr. Weiner said. He
added: "We're both fascinated and horrified at the same
time. We're on shpilkes."

Dick and Jane's Tsuris? Oy, Gevalt!

Definitions and
pronunciations from "Yiddish With Dick and Jane":
Shvitz (SHVITZ) - to sweat.
Tsuris (TSOOR-is) - troubles.

Farmisht (FAR-misht) - confused to the point of not knowing
what to do.
Oy gevalt (OY geh-VULT, or OY geh-VAHLT) - "oh, no!"

Shpilkes (SHPILL-kiss) - pins and needles.

Moral of this blog: Watch where you put your Dick. It could get you in trouble.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Catholic Font

The script of choice for priests across America? No, my gentle readers, this is where I am going this weekend; to watch a baby get dipped in water blessed by the Pope himself. I am going to be a part of my boyfriends first nieces christening. We've purchased a hallmark greeting card as well.

We will be staying in a hotel near the church. I have already picked out my smartest pajamas and slippers to take along with me. We will be sharing a room with his brother in law. He snores. I am bringing along some earplugs, and planning on wearing my smart pajamas while I sleep in the tub. Should I lose too much sleep I am also bringing along some sleeping tablets. This is how a well dressed librarian travels.

I am bringing along a cleverly packed piece of Samsonite luggage, which I shall carry on board the plane with me. This will prohibit the airport from losing my luggage and my brilliantly folded trousers, neckties, and cardigans. What, you may ask does a Jew wear to a christening? Blue my dears. Blue. This isn't a written rule, but rather one I fashioned after watching several PBS documentaries on Catholicism. The priest will most definitely be wearing black under his white robes, and I do not want to upstage the baby wearing her family heirloom christening gown. So I shall wear blue. Besides, it flatters my olive complexion. I imagined myself wearing my Clark Kent-esque glasses, but supposed that they are more effective when I am being a librarian.

Then to a party to celebrate the baby's christening. I am guessing this part is more for the adults, as I can not imagine the baby sipping red wine and eating canapés. Though it would amuse me.

I have many more stories to share with you, but I am getting back into the swing of school. Homework aleady, but I will be done in May.

Moral of this blog: I was going to say I can't wait to see the priest make the baby wet, but that sounds dirtier than I would intend it.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Make them like me, REALLY like me

Now's your chance to show them you love me.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Big Hair, Dairy Queen, and Loads of Library Jobs

I was just reading an East Coast paper and found that New Jersey really is hard up for librarians. So, if you are so inclined, send your applications in to Jersey libraries.

Please note you will be required to prove that you use Aqua-Net.

Well Dressed Hero

Occasionally, on a Sunday, I work at another branch in our library system. This branch is in a nicer neighborhood, and is much larger. The library attracts a crowd so much different than my own. Rarely does one see a homeless person, it is peopled with very traditional mishpochas (familes) of every race, and most of the patrons are dressed very well. Just leaving church I imagine.

The staff at this branch rotates as well, meaning that I rarely work with the same people on a given Sunday. This time, the staff was made up of a bunch of meshugge shishkas (crazy women)who seemed to be on shpilkes (on edge) all the time. Add one part crazy Jew librarian, and you've got quite a Sunday on your hands.

Towards the end of the evening, there was a satchel left on the floor by the check out machines. Dear, sweet, and quite-lost-to-reality Customer Service lady began to tell me about how much unattended bags and packages made her feel quite nudjedik (antsy, nervous). She then literally went on for 10 minutes about all the bombings that have occured over the past decade, how schools are unsafe, and even through in a tasty bit about being "nervous for Jewish schools now a day".

I looked around and saw two teen age boys standing by a book case.

I asked "Does this book bag belong to either of you?" One nodded. I told him that he needed to schlep (carry)his bag with him, and that he shouldn't leave things about the library.

Dear & Sweet looked at me with damp eyes, and put her hand on my shoulder.

"How brave you are to deal with the teens like that, I don't know how you do it. I was so worried about that bag too...."

I assured her I was only doing my job.

Moral of this blog: Not only am I hot, but I'm brave too.