Thursday, January 12, 2006

Well Dressed RX

I WANT MY PILLS! As you all know, gentle readers, outside of being terribly attractive, you might not know that I also think I am unstoppable.

So when my ear drum began to throb uncontrollably around Chanukkah, I chalked it off to listening to my Very Merry Barbra CD too loudly. (What...Jews can listen to Christmas music as long as its a Jew singing).

Well the pain never quite went away. It actually got a bit worse. Finally, after talking to my Mother, I decided that it would be best to pay a visit to my friendly neighborhood physician.

Of course, I haven't been to the doctor in ages. Remember, I am invincible? So, I asked around for a doctor that people liked. Mission accomplished.

I called, and actually got in late this morning. Because I had called ahead and told them I thought I had an ear ache, they gave me an extra form to fill out, regarding my hearing ability.

Part one of the form offered me no choices to mention the fact that I am a homo in a committed relationship. I'm not married, divorced, single, or widowed. The friendly latina lady in the sliding glass booth suggested I choose single. OK, I concede. I'm not gonna go all GLAAD on them when my ear hurts.

On to the hearing form. One of the questions asked "Do you sit toward the front of the church so you can hear better?"


No I don't. I don't even go to church. I'm a big Jew. And hopefully the doctor who will be treating my ailment will be too.

SO, Russ, the young,hunky, and ginger haired male nurse asked me a few more questions. My responses:

"No, that doesn't hurt when you press on it."

"OK, but don't stick that thing in all the way."

"Yes, you have completely answered my questions."

"No, I'd rather hold onto my bag."

All I want are pills. Lots of them. In little brown bottles. Why can't he just give me pills.

I was then escorted into a room, where my doctor was going to treat me.

After a 20 minute wait, where I was forced to read his diplomas, emergency room certification certificates, and brochure about Cialis I was bored.

This is when I noticed there was a huge framed picture of a wolf on the wall. A wolf? Come on! Is that supposed to be comforting? Why didn't they just hang a picture of the carcase that he just finished eating on the wall next to it?

Finally. My doctor comes in. The hunky, young, ginger hair nurse knocked on the door again. I'm imagining he wanted to see that I was alright, because I'd been so quiet. My doctor said "We are supposed to have patients out in an hour, I only have three minutes left...."

Very comforting. I'm sure he was joking....or was he?

More questions. When he asked how long this had been bothering me, I said since Chanukkah. He looked at me and said "Are you Jewish?" and I said "Yes."

I got a thumbs up and a big smile. Guess what? So was he.

So, a few more pokes, prods, and heavy breaths later - I found out that I did indeed have an ear infection. A deep inner ear infection.

Now usually, the word deep excites me, but this time, I was disappointed. How could I be so perfect, and yet slightly flawed? I also learned I had a 100 degree temperature. I guess I really am hot.

So, finally. I got my prescription. Lots of pills. Just what I had hoped for. I was shocked when filling the prescription. The pills are the size of matzah balls. I'm not kidding. I have no idea how I am going to take them.

So in 10 days, I should be right as rain, and in perfect health. I also have to go back for a physical. I guess waiting 2 years was too long. I hope I don't have to do blood work, OR take any of my clothes off. Cufflinks are a bitch to take out when I'm agitated.

Moral of this blog: One pill two pills red pill blue pill

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