Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Letters, Form

What am I supposed to do with this shit?In an effort to save more time for librarians, I have created this easy to use multiple choice donation form. Simply cut and paste the relevant pieces into your own letterhead, and you have an instant reply!

[Date]

Dear Donor,

Thank you for your donation to our growing Library™.

Please note that all materials donated to the library are now property of the Library™. Materials may be disposed of or used towards raising funds for the Library™. This may include a friends of the library sale, online auction, or re-donation to a worthy cause.

It was kind of you to:
a) clean out your attic/garage/closet and give us all your garbage.
b) give us all your dead grandmother's ratty old romance novels.
c) think that we needed out dated reference materials.
d) write us a check that will allow the librarian to purchase materials appropriate to the collection development agenda.
e) think we wanted to infect the rest of our collection with mold spores from your filthy dirty books.
f) believe we accepted donations of knick knacks.
g) donate your entire collection of national enquirers to us. Now I have to recycle them.
h) assume we have the time to clean mouse droppings out of the inner spines of these books.

We appreciated the fact that:
a) you dropped everything off outside the Library™ when we were closed, and most of the stuff got even more ruined due to severe weather. We understand you couldn't have waited one more day.
b) provided us with boxes that were falling apart, and used to hold depends/cheap hard liquor/ fabric softener.
c) you provided us with your contact information so we could send you a thank you letter, and form to use for tax deductions.
d) you left 8 messages to see if we got your donation. We did. Thanks.
e) included a Franklin Mint collectible "Freedom Eagle" dessert plate, wrapped in an old flannel shirt.
f) also left your upper plate in the box. We will return it at no cost to you. We know here at the Library™ dentures are pricey.

In regard to future donations:
a) just because your deceased family member loved books, doesn't mean we'll love those books too.
b) please assess the condition of the materials being donated. those books weren't currently in a collection because they look like shit, and should have been thrown away. now i have to do it, and waste my dumpster space.
c) ask the Library™ if the materials are appropriate for the collection. We do not need books on cake decorating, feline health, foot trauma, anal hygiene, collectible beanie babies, or gardening. This is a specialized collection.
d) please contact us, as we may be able to actually pick up large donations. We realize that traveling may be a concern to you - and your last donation was valuable.
e) please make checks payable to the Library™.
f) make sure your dead relatives only buy books we like.

Again, we extend our deepest gratitude to you and your family for this donation. Should you have questions about the tax forms we have included, please feel free to contact us. We look forward to your continued support.

Sincerely,

[Librarian signature]

Moral of this blog: It's kind of like MadLibs, only more fun.

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